Trying to feel normal.

by Brandee · 3 comments

I think it is typical to want to ‘feel normal’ whether it be because you have a chronic illness that restricts you and you want to shed those restrictions even for a little while, or you just want to be part of the crowd and circumvent the borage of disease related questions. But, what is the cost after everyone goes home and you are left with your conscience and disease pointing their gnarly fingers at you?

This past week I spent time with people that I normally am not in physical contact with, but are well aware that I have Crohn’s Disease. The questions were plenty and my explanations became weaker by the minute. I found myself longing for my post-Crohn’s state of normal. (Noting that any sort of normalcy, by my own choice, has never been something I have aspired to achieve—until now). I quickly tired of explaining why I could not eat this or that; why I ‘looked’ so tired; why I was living in the bathroom, etc.  In the end, I found myself eating crap I knew should not, downing Imodium AD and Aleve like candy and throwing up a lot. I guess I thought that as long as no one noticed, “… it will be alright to do it for a few days.” It was total rebellion against my disease and I knew that as soon as I grabbed the Imodium off the shelf at Wal-Mart. I know how dangerous that stuff is for me because of the PVC’s I tend to experience while taking Imodium. I did not have PVC issues this time, but it was still a really idiotic choice on my part and will never be repeated again.

Some of the people around me kept insisting that I slow down and chill out- rightfully so. However, I knew if I stopped I was not getting back up so I just kept going until I could get back home. I did not feel too badly yesterday aside from being fatigued, but today I feel as if I’ve been hit by a Mac truck with an axe on the front of it. I have managed to get a few things done, but not enough to make a difference in my mind.

The Aftermath

There is always going to be a price to pay for doing that which you should not. I am no exception to this rule as much of an invincible super woman as I tend to think I am. Starting last night I have had severe diarrhea, cramps and fatigue from hell. I am so grumpy that I already feel horrible for my poor husband who is due home in about an hour. I am making him his favorite burrito’s for dinner to serve as a pre-peace offering. I think Jack, my beautiful fur-baby, may pack up his bone and leave home for greener pastures.  The cat is not stupid; she split early this morning. I saw her creep in the neighbor’s garage- fuzzy little deserter.

This is how my day has gone today- Bathroom, TV, check mail, bathroom, shower, bathroom, dressed, went to start my car the battery was dead. Bathroom, call AAA.  Member ship expired July 21st, transferred to member services, bathroom, on hold, bathroom, on hold more, bathroom, bathroom and still on hold. Member services, after 43 minutes on hold, cannot renew me unless I agree to pay a fee increase. I understand that times are tough, but as a member since 1987, they can bite me for their extra $28.00. Car is still dead, AAA sucks and Jack walks to the store with me. I come home and the sewer is backed up in my front yard AGAIN. Laugh with me, people. Laugh with me!!!  (Insert snarky chipmunk laugh here.)

Is it time for bed yet?


avatar ellie July 27, 2009 at 5:27 PM

Well, they didn’t tell me that little nursie poo was going to stab me like a voodoo doll, then wonder why they sent me home to try again a few days later, and wonder why, a few days later, I wouldn’t let her near me. My right arm is green and black now – and hurts. ‘Should have given me a sling or something. (Did I mention the little bubbles of blood that show up and erupt for no reason?) Anyway…I hope you’re laughing right now. I know I am. Well, except for the blood, everything is pretty funny. The blood is only partially funny. Alright it’s really not funny, but “if you don’t have dreams you have nightmares”.

I hope you’re well.


PS: P&S vs. dSLR? Prime lenses vs. mondo zooms? I swear I work with idiots – and they’re engineers to boot!


avatar Brandee July 29, 2009 at 9:06 AM

You do keep me going, Ellie-pop. I told my father of you and how much you’ve added to my life and my outlook on my disease. We need to find a better word than ‘disease’. What a blanket word that is totally useless.

Want I should go slap the nurse for you? I hate hunt and stabbers! I will never forgive the jackass that blew my vein in the hospital last year. As if the Crohn’s was not working hard enough to kill me, he was happy to oblige. Next time take an orange with you and ask them to practice on that before they stick you.

In case you’ve not noticed, engineers are nothing more than tunnel visionaries with a fancy degree. They are generally good at what they do, but can’t see a pixel past that.

Love you like crazy!

avatar Caz July 29, 2009 at 8:57 PM

I have to admit I am one of these people who knows exactly what I should do (quit smoking, stop eating certain stuff etc.) but find myself still ordering that indian takeaway I crave so much even though I know it will mean at least two days of camping out in the bathroom, pain, pain, feeling tired, and yet more pain. I think to myself afterwards why i do it to myself and have drawn a complete blank.

Im guessing it’s mostly to do with being diagnosed with crohn’s relatively recently and a mix of denial and getting used to the lifestyle changes one by one. As I type it is nearly 6am and I am afraid due to my massive alcohol intake at a friends party I havn’t been able to sleep for two days and nights due to pain and those inevitable trips to the bathroom. As a student nurse I felt the ‘Do as i say, not as I do’ phrase relates to me wonderfully… oh well keep smiling =)

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